Hell, Why Not?

         A man from my past has surfaced recently.
He is trying to talk me into a casual encounter of an intimate nature.

(If text is invisible, story should be available on the post page at the Vagarious Voyage blog. Sorry for the inconvenience, but thank you for subscribing!)

            Let’s be honest. I’m at least half-tempted.

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            Already, I can feel how he wraps his arms low around my waist and looks at me like maybe I hold a magic key to happiness and maybe I’m holding that key between my tightly pressed lips, while he waits for me to relax and ease into him.

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            I told him it would be too risky.
He might fall in love with me.

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            He told me that the risk of falling is mine, and I replied,
it might be true.

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            It probably is true. The risk of falling – it belongs to me.

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            In the immediate,
I crave our connection.
I crave the heat we share and the strength of two souls wrapped together,
instead of only my solo one.

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BUT

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            It’s the
after.

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            He will leave. He always does.

He will disappear. He can’t help it.

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The distance will stretch out and the loneliness will grow and that same strength of two souls will dissolve –  even to less than one – while I wait for equilibrium, bouncing around inside of me like moths near a porch light, before it returns.

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That little bubble of love that I have for him will settle into my ribcage.
Along with the other little bubbles of love that reside there.
And in those beginning days of the
after, the bubbles will all be so, so heavy.

So. Heavy.

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Maybe it will only take a few days for the bubbles to become soapy and floaty as they rise up into my chest full of rainbow reflections.

Or maybe it will take many days.

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Despite the temptation, I’ll have to refuse him…
the heavy part of
after
 grows – it will take many, many days.


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Ego

sky 

           One of my greatest pet peeves is when someone is angry with me, but is “pretending not to be,” so that it becomes a passive-aggressive game.

            I would much prefer to be confronted. You can injure my pride and hurt my feelings and squish my ego… but at least I know what the problem is.

            Also, I tend to handle challenges head-on. Many times, the only way through the dark is right, straight through it. Tell me I’m being bull-headed. Tell me I’m being condescending. Tell me whatever it is that is boiling your blood – because it will do us both a favor!

            You will feel better after you get it off your chest.

            And I will be able to take that information to either accept it or ignore it – but at least I will be aware of how I am affecting those around me – and I can try harder to be less of a pain in the ass.

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            Unfortunately…

            Here I am, in passive-aggressive land AND I am really good at this game. I can passively aggravate with the best of them and my stubborn nature will prolong this madness into oblivion.

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Dear Self,

            Take a giant step back. Take a breath. Let it GO. Winning this passive-aggressive war is not worth the other losses at stake.

                        Love,
                             Me.

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BUT SELF!

            How do I do that? How do I ignore the fact that I can FEEL the angry boil-bubbles being jetted in my direction from underneath a plastic smile?

                        Sincerely,
                                   Me.

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Self,

            You expressed your concerns with real words, you apologized for as much of the problem as you are aware of, you asked for feedback. There really isn’t much else you can do without a response. The ball isn’t in your court anymore.

                        Love,
                            Me.

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BUT SELF!

            I want everyone to fight by my rules! After all, isn’t it ALL ABOUT ME?!

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*sigh*

One can only control the actions and reactions of their own selves. May I find a bit of grace and patience in my day today, and do my best to not sabotage myself – or others.

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Rebuttal

sky

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Do you ever have those days where it seems like that one person

has a rebuttal to everything you say?

Does this mean that I am in “know-it-all” mood,

but can’t see it?

Or does this mean there is some kind of power play in place

that I’m not really aware of?

Why does every statement I make have to be met with opposition?

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“I am planning on X”

“Well, in my experience, that never works.”

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“I think the event is at this time.”

“It’s ALWAYS at a different time.”

(P.S. – No it isn’t. I was actually correct on this one

and, a lot of other things actually).

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What am I missing here?

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Also, how do I address it (without getting an even more defensive response) and/or

ignore it/let it go?

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