“Hey”

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If you’ve ever been annoyed with the “hey” text…
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     The first time I got a blank-face emoji from Lionel (name changed), I sent a blank face back.
     How was I supposed to respond to a little yellow circle with only two eyes and no expressive eyebrows or mouth lines?
     He replied with another blank face.
     Lionel has more than 30 years of life to his person. What’s up with the damn blank face?
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     There are 100 million ways to engage me… grow up and think of something a little bit more creative, please!
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     100 million ways? One Hundred MILLION?
     Well, probably.      I mean, at least theoretically.
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     Let’s start simple. Let’s start with the mundane, and slightly annoying with repetition, but at least minimally engaging text.
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STAGE ONE
     1. What are you up to?
     2. How was your day?
     3. What did you do last night?
     With one of these texts, at least now I can answer. I can say, I’m drinking coffee and my day is going pretty well, at least considering the loss of my football team, and I stayed home last night because playing solitaire in my PJs was exactly the kind of low-key night I needed.
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     Ready to step it up?
     We’ve known each other for awhile, let’s try to act like it.
STAGE TWO
     1. Remember the last time we ate at the Chinese buffet? I am totally craving their won-ton soup today!
     2. Good thing you put your snow tires on yesterday, since the sun is out and the ice is melted. LOL.
     *Note: I do not condone the use of “LOL,” but that’s a different post. It is common Lionel text-lingo.
     3. I’m hangin’ at my bro’s house and we’re fixing the jeep. Who knew this project would be so complicated?
     Let me point out that these messages actually reference real life, acknowledge my existence, and attempt to engage a response – maybe not directly – but this is only stage two. Baby steps.
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     Or, you know. Send me a damn blank face.
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     Next, I’m going to make a major leap! If the stage two exercise was too much to handle, quit reading, right now!
STAGE THREE
     Clearly, the blank face emoji is a giant leap of confidence, so don’t blow a gasket or anything here… attempt these steps with caution, because they may prove to be very scary!
     1. That movie we saw the other day was pretty awesome. I noticed the first half to the sequel is at the cheap theater. Since you never saw it, maybe we should get tickets this week?
     (I realize this is a super-long text. Since Lionel doesn’t need to bring blog readers into context, he might just consider something like, ‘Cheap seats tix for movie part one this week?’)
     2. Wanna grab a drink tonight?
     3. It’s been awhile since we’ve been to that Chinese buffet. Let’s do dinner?
     You might be confused by these stage three text messages. Why not just use the BLANK FACE??
     Clearly, if you’re sending me a blank-faced emoji, you’re trying to engage my attention. Quit acting like a 12-year old… wait. Scratch that. That’s not fair to the 12-year old. The teenager probably has the the text-savvy to form a complete sentence – maybe something like, ‘R U going 2 the FB game sat?’
     (Using whatever text lingo this too-old-to-be-cool chick isn’t familiar with, of course).
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Back to Lionel.
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DUDE!!!
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     Do you want to hang out? Ask me.
     This isn’t 1995. You don’t have to call my dad’s landline to reach me.
     If you just want to chit-chat, that’s cool too. But you’re going to have to throw down some damn chitter if you want me to reply with chatter.
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     There is simply no available response for me to give when you send a
STUPID YELLOW CIRCLE WITH ONLY TWO EYES.
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